When it comes to story details, some matter and some don’t. Striking the right balance between the two can be challenging — especially when the story is about ourselves.
Because it’s almost impossible to be objective — to stand outside ourselves and see what others see.
As a result, we face two contradictory challenges. On one hand, it’s hard to let go of the details — including the non-essential ones. Since these things happened to us, it all feels important.
On the other hand, we often overlook or sail right past some of the most critical details — the ones that signal major revelations and turning points. Since they’re so familiar to us, we take them for granted and don’t recognize their true weight.
So when I coach people on their stories, a big part of the work is managing this “yin and yang” of story detail — eliminating the inconsequential ones while giving necessary breathing room for the truly important ones.
Two Storytellers, Two Challenges
Let’s look at both sides of this coin from the perspective of two storytellers.
I have the privilege of working with a group of leaders at an international nonprofit devoted to improving the lives of people in emerging economies. I coach them on their “origin” stories — how their life’s journey, often through difficult circumstances, shaped their commitment to the cause.
Their stories may be more dramatic than our own, but they illuminate an important lesson on getting the details just right.
Make the Most of the Moments
One of our storytellers grew up in poverty in a refugee camp in war-ravaged Rwanda. But through a combination of resourcefulness and intelligence, he managed to get accepted into a competitive seminary school, where he excelled.
At one point in his story he briefly mentioned in an almost off-handed way the moment at age 18 when he touched a computer for the first time in his life.
It went by so fast that it didn’t fully register. So we paused and dug further into the details — how it came about, where it happened and what he was feeling in that moment.
By slowing down and getting specific, we signal to the listener that something significant is happening, resulting in a fuller, richer story.
Eliminate Redundant Story Details
The more common problem storytellers face is getting bogged down in too many details.
Our other storyteller once lived through a civil war and had to flee her home. Over several years she stayed with various friends and relatives and even returned a couple of times during lulls in the conflict.
Now every harrowing step in that journey was surely seared into her being, so every detail felt vital to her.
But to the listener — especially in a noisy world where the competition for attention is fierce? Those details can be hard to track.
I tell clients to picture a winding road. Does every single twist and turn need to be traced? Or are there a couple that are representative of the overall journey? How can we condense it?
For instance, I grew up in a military family, so we moved around a lot. To make that point, I don’t list the date and location of every place we were stationed. Instead, I say that for the first eight years of my life we lived in seven different towns in three countries.
Of course, when it’s our own life, and especially a traumatic one rife with emotion, it’s hard to divorce ourselves from the details of our story.
Get Feedback
That’s why it’s important to put ourselves in our audience’s shoes. What do they really need to hear? What will best make our point?
In fact, if you’ve got an important story to tell, especially one that’s very personal, it’s not a bad idea to “focus group” it by bouncing it off a few friends or colleagues to get their perspective.
Ask them pointed questions, especially about parts you feel you haven’t quite nailed. What works and what doesn’t? Where is it too much and where is it not enough? What needs clarifying?
That will help ensure you achieve just the right balance of story details, making it a clearer and more satisfying journey for the listener.
[A version of this post originally ran in PRSA’s Strategies & Tactics.]
[Image licensed to Rob Biesenbach LLC by iStock]